Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize