im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
