what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
