So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
