My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
