6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
