I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
