im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
