Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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