My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
