I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
