Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
