U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
