I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
