she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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