omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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