if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Everyone says I win the strip club
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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