Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
