I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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