I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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