so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
