Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
