Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
