Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
