if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
we should paint friendship bongs
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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