You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize
