guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
