there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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