Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
