You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
