I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
