i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
