So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
