hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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