i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
