Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
