like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
