im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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