and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
