I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
