the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I stole a fireplace last night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
