I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
