How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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