were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
