if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
