I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
