Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
