everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
