My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
