Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
