Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
