So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
