my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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