ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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