I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
