My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sorry my hands just texted you
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize