Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
