At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
