Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
FUCK WHALES
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
