The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
