I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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