Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
