God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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